I know I'm not the only one who has spent days like this: angry, frustrated, disappointed, without faith, crying, denying life and God, hopeless, wanting to die and as if this were not enough, I had spent three days with fever and body pain.
All this was maximized after listening to what was for me, very bad news that tear my heart into pieces, not the news itself, but the way I received them.
What was that didn’t went through my mind on that moment, I felt inside my heart on doing wrong. That was the way my day began and continued, thinking that I am not important to God, that He does not act differently from men; He blesses the “good men” and the “bad ones” are thrown away.
All day long I was complaining, I could not empty my heart of all the bitterness I felt.
At 5:30 pm I had an appointment with Daniela’s ophthalmologist, Dr. Francisco Bueso, a recognized professional in his field. I almost knew what he was going to say; Daniela is still not doing well, she still has headaches, pain of her three surgeries, pain in her leg. Since her peritoneal valve was just changed, she was not supposed to have any more headaches, but her eyesight forecast was that she could be completely blind (she can only see with 50% of her left eye).
Feeling emotionally drained, I went
to the appointment, while I was on the public bus, I was thinking how bad I felt with myself, that I would have decided another career, not to be a pastor, it seems that God has his favorites, those he “blesses more”, while with others He gets easily bother.
We went to the doctor, he treated us fantastically as always. Daniela told him about the accident, it was the reason that her valve had been disconnected and that she had three surgeries to connect the new valve. The doctor knowing that we had to wait 20 days for the surgery was a little worried (that meant that she had fluid accumulated in her brain that produced that her eye cells didn’t had enough oxygen, to the point of dying) when examining her eyesight, Daniela could not see the bigger letters with the new glasses she needed.
The doctor, feeling worried, told us that she has already lost the vision that was left in her only eye.
When examining her eye closely, he said the eye looked white instead of pink, that the new valve was not working, that there was no reason to give her a new prescription because she did not look at anything, that there was nothing left to do.
While the doctor was speaking, my brain almost exploded; I said to God: "that's the way things are with you", "here I am, abandoned", "do whatever you want".
It seems that God took us to the limit of our confidence, where there is nothing left that rock bottom. Time stopped, life went to another dimension, thoughts stirred in my mind, even the pain I had felt for three days had disappeared, and I just felt like I did not exist. I knew I should be with Daniela; God had left me, but I would not leave Daniela alone.
In that 10-second silence, millions of things passed through my mind dazed and disappointed to be a Christian.
Suddenly Daniela comes out with an absurd thing: “So doctor, what is my next eyeglass prescription?”
"Why am I going to give you a new prescription of glasses" says the doctor, "I put the maximum in the letters and you couldn’t see them"
"Yes" Daniela said, "but without glasses I saw the last letter"
"Why you didn’t told me before" the doctor replied, "I'll do the test again".
Meanwhile I was thinking: “poor Daniela, she doesn’t want to accept her new reality”.
Dr. Bueso started with the exam without the old glasses, Daniela was reading the letters from the largest to the smallest, that she could not read before with her glasses on.
Astonished, doctor said: "How can this be, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I can only call it one way: A miracle, you are seeing 10% better that before you had the accident, it is not medically logical, but the results are clear, for me you do not need your eyeglasses anymore, let’s wait two more months, but I can assure you your vision got better and it can improve more”.
For this reason, I publicly apologize to God for my ignorance, caused by tribulation and human being not knowing how He acts, although I know that His Word would not pass, yes, His promises move away from my mind when troubles come at my life, forgive me because the tribulation betrays me, because it drowns my faith and makes me foolish and arrogant.
And before the end of the day I can say:
Good is God, even though I am unfaithful,
He remains faithful.
2 Timothy 2:13